


Pet-sitting

by Imposterzoe



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Fluff and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23109496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imposterzoe/pseuds/Imposterzoe
Summary: This is basically Apollo and Henry destroying Vanjie and Yvie.
Kudos: 7





	Pet-sitting

Who in their right mind thought Yvie and Vanjie would be good pet sitters?

Brooke did. Well... whether or not he was in his  _ right _ mind remains to be seen. 

You see, Nina ordered him to go on vacation after he woke up with his nose in a blush compact. He coughed up purple for a week.

He wanted to agree but he had a problem. "My normal cat-sitter is sick. Who'll watch Henry and Apollo?"

Immediately after he said that, two "volunteers" appeared on either side of him. He looked between Yvie and Vanjie, a smile slowly forming on his lips.

"What's with the creepy ass smile?” Yvie questioned. “That's my thing."

Brooke smiled brighter as he tossed his arms around his friends, squeezing them tight.

"You guys owe me favors, right?"

Vanjie and Yvie share a glance, responding in unison.

"Uh oh."

[...]

"Why'd he give us so many instructions? Like, damn. It's just cat-sitting, Mary," Vanjie grumbles as he stares at the long list Brooke left on his fridge.

The fridge that Yvie was currently rummaging through. 

"Well he does love those cats more than himself. Can you imagine if one got hurt? We'd be dead like  _ that _ ." Yvie slams the fridge shut to emphasize his point. "Besides it's just for the weekend while he's visiting Canada with Nina. We can watch two little cats until then."

Vanjie sighed. "You're right. Where are they anyway?"

Yvie starts to shrug when he feels something warm and wet on his leg. He doesn't even dare to look down.

"Did… did one just piss on my leg?"

Vanjie looks down in time to see Henry walking away with what he was  _ sure _ was a smirk. He manages a serious expression as he speaks.

"Yeah, you got pissed on." Then he calmly excused himself to the bedroom where Yvie heard him laugh hysterically.

Flipping off the air, Yvie trudged to the bathroom to wash his leg. Thank god he took off his shoes when he came in.

By the time Vanjie finally regained some sort of composure, Yvie changed into jogging pants and had a movie going, along with a pizza cooking. 

Jumping on the other end of the couch, Vanjie pulls out his laptop to get some work done.

He smirks as he notices Yvie pull his legs up as Henry walks by.

"Really?" he laughs. 

Yvie's about to reply when a ripping sound is heard behind them. They stare at each other with wide eyes before slowly looking behind the couch.

All they see is a flash of tail and 8 long claw marks down the back of the couch. They gape as they take in damage. Yvie darts out of the room and returns with two sets of sewing supplies.

Tossing one to Vanjie, he hastily threads the needle and sets to work on one set of claw marks. Vanjie jumps beside him and sets to work on the second set of claws.

They're almost done when they freeze at another loud ripping sound.

They both peek over opposite sides of the couch, each of them laying eyes on different cat as they scratch up the arms of the couch.

The two share another glance before rushing through the sewing on the back of the couch and hurrying to repair the damaged arms. They manage to finish without another incident and collapse on the cushions.

They barely manage to catch their breath when Yvie rushes to the kitchen and yanks the pizza out. It wasn't burned thank god. Slicing it, he calls Vanjie.

"Pizza's ready!"

Vanjie scurries in with a smile on his face. He grabs sodas from the fridge while Yvie carries the pizza into the living room.

But somehow in the thirty seconds since Vanjie left, Henry had worked his way on top of Brooke's mantle.

"How did he even get up there?!" Yvie yells as he sets the pizza down. Vanjie puts the sodas down next to it on the coffee table.

"Hell if I know!" he yells back. Yvie reaches up, attempting to grab the cat. Henry hisses and scratches at Yvie's hands.

Vanjie's too short to help but looks down in time to see Apollo run off with a piece of pizza. Dashing after him, Vanjie scrambled over the couch. 

While he literally fell flat on his face in the process, he manages to catch the cat in the bedroom. Apollo scratches at his hand but Vanjie gets most of the pizza from the cat’s evil little mouth.

Shaking the destroyed slice at the angry cat, he yells, "This'll make you sick!"

Going to the kitchen to toss the slice, he sees Yvie still struggling with Henry. After placing the rest of the pizza somewhere he's sure Apollo won't get it, he goes to help.

His phone rings before he makes it over there. Seeing it's Brooke, he rushes back to the bedroom for some quiet where he could hopefully convince their friend that everything was going great.

After taking a deep breath, he answers with a somewhat steady voice.

"Hey Brooke. How's Canada?"

Brooke sighs into the phone. "It's wonderful Vanjie. I forgot how much I missed it."

Despite all the stress from the last half hour, Vanjie smiles. "That's good. You've been real stressed."

Brooke snorts. "Yeah. So how are you and Yvie holding up? How are my boys?"

Before Vanjie could respond, there's a commotion in the living room.

Yvie yells, "Henry, nooo!" He screams and the sound of glass breaking can be heard. Then Henry yowls.

Vanjie's heart drops when he realizes Brooke could probably hear it on his end of the call.

On the other end, Brooke was stock still, his face white. Before he could ask a question though, the call ends. What the hell was going on over there?

Chaos. That's what was going on over there. Vanjie rushes out of the bedroom and stares at the scene before him in horror.

What was once a vase, Brooke's  _ favorite _ vase, was shattered in a million pieces. Yvie was holding Henry at arms length, barely maintaining control of him.

Vanjie scoops the cat from him and hastily chucks him in the bedroom, where Apollo was staring from the bed. Shutting the door and praying they couldn't get out, he walks back to Yvie.

"What happened?!" Vanjie cries, finally taking in the other things Henry knocked off the mantle. Which was every single little thing.

Yvie winces as he lightly drags his finger over the many scratches Henry had gouged into his skin.

"Well while you were busy playing tug-o-war with a cat using a slice of pizza, I was fighting that motherfucking cat to keep him from cutting his damn paws open! This is after he jumps over my head and into a vase!"

Vanjie's jaw falls open. "He wasn't hurt right?!"

Yvie scowls. "That asshole is fine.  _ This _ asshole's arms are killing him! But thanks for asking!"

Vanjie runs a hand over his head. "Sorry. I didn't think this would be so hard!"

Yvie throws his hands in the air. "Neither did I!"

They sit there in silence for a second, when they hear the cats meowing from the bedroom.

Vanjie slaps himself as he remembers something. "We gotta replace their litter before they can come out. You know how right? 'Cause I'm not doing it by myself."

Yvie stalks toward the kitchen. "Yes I know how to do it. I'm not stupid."

Vanjie follows him and grabs the trash can. Yvie picks up one litter box and Vanjie hefts the other.

And they make the mistake of leaning in, and pouring both in the trash at once.

Immediately the bag slides down in the can and a  _ huge _ cloud of litter dust rises in their faces. They drop the boxes in the trash, hands flying to their eyes.

Yvie immediately starts sneezing and Vanjie coughs, having inhaled more of the dust.

They scramble out of the kitchen, sneezing and coughing the whole way.

After a while Yvie manages to stop sneezing, and hands Vanjie one of the soda's from earlier to help with his cough. Vanjie cracks it open and it immediately explodes. They scream as soda sprays them.

"Can we have a fucking win today?!" Yvie screams to the ceiling.

He walks back in the kitchen and sorts out the litter boxes. Sneezing more as he pours in the new litter, he drops the boxes back down. 

Vanjie walks in, his hair matted with soda. "I'll sweep if you wanna-" He's cut off by the loud meows from behind them.

They turn to see the cats sitting on Vanjie's phone. Which was vibrating. 

Grabbing a cat in each arm, (and getting scratched to hell as he puts them down), he snags his phone.

"Brooke wants to video chat," he murmurs emotionlessly.

Yvie nudges Henry away with his foot. "No. He'd freak if he saw the place."

He wasn't wrong. There was litter everywhere in the kitchen, soda and broken glass in the living room, and (they didn't know this yet) cat piss all over Brooke's bedroom floor.

Vanjie declines the call and brightens with an idea. 

"Let's call Nina. Tell him to keep Brooke busy until we can fix some stuff."

Yvie nods, looking at his now ringing phone. "Better do it quick. Brooke's tryna call me now."

Vanjie rings up the older queen. 

"Hello?" Nina answers cheerfully.

"Nina! Hey! I need a favor."

Before Vanjie could say anything, Brooke snatches Nina's phone.

"Vanjie what the hell are you doing?! What's going on over there?"

Vanjie hastily hangs up. "Nina's out of the question."

Yvie sighs as a cat attempts to jump on his back. "Can't we just load the food bowls and avoid Brooke for the rest of our lives?"

After serious consideration, they agree Brooke would find them in 3 weeks and they would suffer slow, painful deaths.

They start to sweep up the litter and look to see both cats run off with slices of pizza.

Scrambling after them, they snatch the slices away.

"What's that smell?" Yvie whispers. Vanjie shrugs.

They follow the smell to Brooke's room. Taking a look around the sodden room, they slowly back away.

"Not in the job description," Vanjie mumbles.

Yvie snorts. "None of this is in the job description."

Vanjie sighs. "Henry's tryna pee on you again."

Yvie jumps back, scowling at the cat. They walk back in the room and see Apollo stretched out on Vanjie's laptop.

Yvie just slowly falls to the ground, a defeated look on his face. Vanjie's phone buzzes again and he stares at it in silence.

"Just don't let him see the room," Yvie mumbles.

Vanjie answers the call, zooming in on his face. He forces a smile.

"Hey Brooke!"

The man didn't look happy. "Don't 'hey Brooke' me. What is going on over there? Where's Yvie?"

Carefully, Vanjie zooms out and Brooke sees Yvie sprawled out on the floor, Apollo now on his face. He raises a hand in some sort of greeting.

"Aww! That's so… Is Henry peeing on him?" Brooke wonders.

Vanjie sighs as Henry does his business on Yvie's leg and runs away. "Not again."

"What do you mean 'again'? And wasn't my vase over there?" Brooke's voice gets slightly more frantic as he takes in the small sliver of room he could see.

Vanjie was coming up with an excuse when Henry bounds in with a roll of toilet paper in his mouth. He runs around Yvie, trailing it around the tall man. He darts between Vanjie's legs and while he's looking down, his phone shifts and Brooke gets a view of the place.

"WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" Brooke shrieks, no doubt attracting attention on his end of the call.

Vanjie just hangs up and turns his phone off. "Turn your phone off. He'll call you in a second." 

Yvie turns his off just as Brooke starts to call him. Vanjie lifts Apollo from Yvie's face, tossing him to the side.

"So exactly how painful and slow were the deaths we'd suffer for ditching?" he mumbles once his mouth his cat free.

"Extremely. Brooke's one to torture," Vanjie responds, holding a hand out.

Yvie takes it and allows himself to be pulled up. "Wanna share the guest room? The main still smells like cat piss. We can clean in the morning"

Vanjie nods tiredly. "You may want to take your pants off and wash your leg."

Yvie slips into the bathroom while Vanjie feeds the cats and gives them water. He also tosses the rest of the uneaten pizza with a shake of his head. Cats got more than they did.

Yvie comes out of the bathroom and they file into the guest room. Vanjie makes sure to lock the door. 

They crawl into bed, too tired to make any jokes about staying on one side. In fact Vanjie lays his head on Yvie's chest.

There's a loud crash outside and the sound of one of the cats throwing up.

They both look towards the door, look at each other, and just settle back down.

The ruckus continues outside but they manage to fall asleep, plagued with dreams of being chased by giant cats. 

[...]

After steeling their nerves, they trudge out to the living room and almost burst into tears.

"Don't worry guys. They're real low-maintenance." Yvie mumbles, remembering Brooke's words from a couple days ago.

The house was completely wrecked.

There was even more toilet paper spread on the floor and it was stained in places with what they knew was cat piss. Brooke's lamp was shattered, the shade ripped up. Vanjie grabbed Yvie to stop him from stepping in a pile of cat puke.

"So when you say torture," Yvie says as they stare at the room, "how long would that last exactly?"

Vanjie shot him a tired look. "Considering how trashed his house is and how he'd never blame those cats for a damn thing, at least a month. Maybe two."

They're about to get cleaning supplies when the door opens.

"I thought we had another day!" Vanjie hisses to Yvie. 

Yvie just laughs. "We thought a lot of things coming into this."

Brooke gapes at the room. Then his mouth presses into a firm line.

"What. Happened. Here?" he grinds out.

In unison they point at the cats, who were sitting smugly by the kitchen.

"Did you put the meds in their food like I told you to?"

Vanjie looks at Yvie who gives a confused shrug.

"What meds?" Yvie says cautiously.

Brooke takes a deep breath. "The ones I told you to put in their food to keep them from acting out. Cats with anxiety act out so I told you to. Give. Them. Their. Anxiety medication."

"You never said that!" Vanjie objects.

Brooke gives them his signature cold glare and explodes. "IT'S THE FIRST THING ON THE LIST OF FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS!"

"Guess we should've actually read that list, huh?" Yvie whispers in Vanjie's ear. Vanjie gives a solemn nod as Brooke walks in the door.

He gestures wildly toward the room.

"My lamp is destroyed. My vase. My couch is ripped and poorly sewn up. My poor cats must've been freaking out."

He rants on and on. Noticing he wasn't really paying attention Yvie slowly edges out of the room. He grabs their overnight bags and indicates the door with his head.

Vanjie immediately follows suit, grabbing his bag and hopscotching his way to the door. Yvie follows and they pull on their shoes.

But then, as if one last 'fuck you', Henry and Apollo meow at the top of their lungs.

Brooke turns toward them and sees the two halfway out the door. Yvie breaks the silence.

"I take it you're not gonna trust with pet-sitting again huh?"

Brooke runs a hand over his face. "Two words: Get out."

Immediately they're out the door scrambling away from the house at top speed.

Brooke leans on his couch with a sigh and looks at his cats.

"What do you think guys? Should I kill 'em?"

The cats purr in response.

"I thought so. Now let me clean this mess up."


End file.
